Failure

*Side note, I started this post in 2023 and just finished it in 2026…seemed like a fitting subject!

Well, it’s only been about 3 years since I wrote a blog…seems like enough time! After all this time I figured writing about something like failure might be appropriate. It’s not failure in the way you think of it, or maybe it is, but seeing as I have talked a lot about failure over the years on podcasts and in interviews, I thought maybe a little clarity would be good. Honestly, I’m learning some things about failure that have been critical in my journey, and I just want to pass it along in the hope that it might help you as well.

I often say to set yourself up to fail and fail often, in order to generate and create growth in a safe environment. Especially if you can set yourself up to fail in a way that doesn’t involve clients, such as personal projects. Failure can also look very different to different people, and that range in size as I am sure you are aware. That’s not really what I want to talk about today, although it is an interesting conversation and for some reason people are always asking about what my biggest failure is, which when you really think about it is kind of an odd question that we ask, maybe we ask it to make us feel better about our own failures?!

So what am I talking about? It’s actually new for me, it’s something that is missing from failure, or at least has been for me. Let’s call it an equation for failure. Here it is:
Failure - Shame = Growth
I have been reading a few books lately that touch on this idea but this was a clearer depiction in my mind. I know that failure, hardship, trials, etc. are what produce character and growth, that is something I’ve believed for a long time. However, I didn’t realize that many times my failures were coupled with shame, I was ashamed that it didn’t work, that I couldn’t figure something out or wasn’t able to come through in the way I intended. I further realized that when failure is coupled with shame, it produces the opposite of growth, a withering of confidence, even a stagnation of sorts. Because we feel ashamed we shrink from the task, we become afraid to fail again because of what we experienced during our previous failure.

Ok, so here’s the rub, we would also need to figure out what the opposite of shame is, in order to create a new equation, and I believe the opposite of shame is grace. This makes our new additive equation:
Failure + Grace = Growth

1/6/2026

I was going to come onto the blog to get things started again and I saw this post sitting as a draft. Failure, what an interesting title, and the idea of shame spiraling you into stagnation is still something I battle with. I love the idea of Failure + Grace, and oddly I have been learning through wise council and self discovery the value of these combinations. In three years though, I have learned more than this, I’ve grown. What I’ve realized is that the failure aspect of my journey is also driven by an unhealthy perfectionism, which is a driver of burnout (another subject I’ve written about and will continue to learn more every day) and leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms. That sentence is something I’ve only recently identified, and honestly having words for how I’ve been feeling for years has been so helpful.

I’m not going to add a lot to this, but I will come back to this at a later blog. When I said “I didn’t realize that many times my failures were coupled with shame” that very well could have read coupled with comparison, cynicism, and so many more. Learning to catch the number of times I deal with the thoughts (what I’ve now come to know are called Automatic Negative Thoughts) of being worthless, untalented, a failure, bad husband, terrible father, and a lot of other horrible things, I’m putting those under a magnifying glass and recognizing how it changes the way I feel, not only about failure, but also as a human being.

This is the beginning of a journey for me, and I’ll keep you in the loop, we’ll fail upwards together!